The 3 rd Step: Denying Salvation on Moral Grounds
Within six months of my initial offering to take M's place in Hell and my growing awareness that all may be 'saved' I was ready to approach God again and make another little speech. Unlike my first speech, this one was unemotional, short, and to the point. I was level-headed, certain, and—mostly—I did not waver:
Dear God. I realize that it isn't enough that I am willing to take a friend's place in Hell. As hard a decision as this may be, it is still relatively easy since it is offered on behalf of a friend and loved one. On the off-chance that all are not saved and that some will be condemned to Hell I must be willing in my heart to take each of their places as well, even that of my worst enemy. Since I am only one person, it is impossible for me to offer to take all their places. If Jesus already accomplished this, if all are saved, then glory! Hallelujah! He is truly the savior of all mankind. If not, then the only ethical thing for me to do is to return my salvation, to reject it on moral grounds, as long as anybody is condemned to Hell. In other words, God, if even one person is damned then consider me damned as well. What kind of person would I be to accept heaven knowing others are suffering in Hell? The only 'Christian' thing for me to do is to reject my salvation, to hand it back to You, and forfeit my place in Heaven. If there is a Hell, then it would be wrong of me to consent to Heaven while others suffer. If there is a Hell, then I want no part of Heaven. If all are not saved, then take back my salvation and send me to Hell with them. It would be immoral and shameful of me to accept Heaven under these conditions. It would be worse then the worst sin imaginable. I would have proven myself the very worst kind of person. No, send me to Hell as well. It would be the only way I could live with myself. |
This was my THIRD STEP ("the rejection of my salvation") and it was huge. As soon as I'd finished speaking, I knew my life had irrevocably changed. I felt as if a great weight had been lifted from me. Either everyone was going to Heaven or I was going to Hell. Simple enough. This proved to be the ultimate form of LIBERATION because it allowed me not to worry at all about my 'afterlife'. By returning my salvation on moral grounds I was free to be my own person, to be myself, to take responsibility for my own life, to live today, here, now.
But LIBERATION, I was to learn, is not all it's cracked up to be. It's a double-edged sword.
When you're free to do anything you want than it's easy to get 'seduced by liberation', to get side-tracked or lose your footing, to struggle to find your way back to the path again and again, to make more mistakes and poor choices than you ever thought possible. For some people who've experienced LIBERATION this trial-and-error period lasts only a few weeks or months. For others, a few years. For me, it lasted decades. This did not mean I stopped taking STEPS back down to the 'real world'. To the contrary, it allowed me to take steps I might not have had the courage to take had I not considered myself 'free' to take them.
What it did mean was that in-between these steps there were a lot of 'mis-steps', stumbles and falls, from which I had to keep picking myself up. By allowing myself to be 'seduced by liberation' I behaved in ways that was not always nice, good, or moral. I would become a scoundrel and a cad, a liar and a cheat, cocksure and ridiculous. It would be almost thirty years before the other shoe would drop and I would experience an AWAKENING. I was liberated, but for the most part I was walking around sound asleep. I had a long way to go as I worked my way down the tower.
