The 1 st Step: Willing Sacrifice
Near the end of my second year at Northwest College I had perfectly assimilated the 16 Fundamental Truth of the Assemblies of God. I did not doubt the inerrancy of the Bible (although by this time came to see the Creation Account of Genesis as allegorical and without doubt derived from older creation stories long circulating in the ancient middle east) and believed it to be wholly inspired by God. I believed in the divinity of Jesus, the soul, life-after-death, and the reality of Heaven ("Eternal Reward") and Hell ("Everlasting Punishment"). And why did I believe? Not because of anything experienced, but only because of words I was taught.
For several weeks I'd been meditating on the notions of Heaven and Hell and was becoming more and more troubled, more concerned and distressed. As evangelical Christians, we were taught that unless a person accepted Jesus Christ as his-or-her personal Savior and gave his-or-her heart to Him that person would be consigned by God to spend the rest of eternity in Hell to suffer everlasting punishment. I considered this teaching for weeks on end and really started hurting inside. I knew I was 'saved' but I also knew my friend M was not a Christian when he died (as I've discussed previously he was tragically beheaded in an automobile accident) and as such was destined to spend eternity in Hell.
One night I was home alone and could take it no longer. I realized it wasn't enough that I was 'saved' and as such would escape the Wrath of God and eternal damnation. I wanted to figure out a way for my friend M to also escape eternal damnation. I knew that because I had the knowledge of Christ in my heart I could go to Hell and still have peace of mind, but what about poor M? I started crying uncontrollably and shaking so violently I couldn't hold myself upright. I fell to the floor and wailed. I gritted my teeth and clenched my fists. I did this for one hour, two hours, three. I shook and shook. Exhausted and aching, like Jonah I fought from doing what I knew I had to do in order to try to save M from the torments of Hell. Another hour passed until I finally surrendered. With singleness of mind and unwavering sincerity I called out to God:
Dear Heavenly Father. Although I am content with the knowledge of You and feel the presence of Your love in my heart, I could never be content in Heaven knowing my friend M was suffering in Hell. I could, however, be content in Hell knowing M was in Heaven. So, God, here's the deal. Let me take M's place in Hell. I know Jesus was supposed to do this, but He didn't do this if M is in Hell. I know what I'm asking and I know precisely what this means. I'm asking this with open eyes. Because, don't you see, God? How could I accept Heaven with M in Hell? I could not! It would be Hell for me. But I could accept Hell knowing M was in Heaven. I would rather suffer an eternity of physical torture than to live with the mental anguish of knowing my friend was in Hell while I enjoyed the fruits of Heaven. How could I enjoy anything? What kind of person would that make me? And M doesn't even have to know how it was done, Lord. The deal that was made. He never has to know what I did for him, that I traded places with him, that I took on his punishment. I don't need acknowledgement or recognition or thanks. I don't need anything from him. I just want to save him! Please, God! Please! Allow me to take M's place in Hell! Please take back my Salvation and give it to M! |
As soon as I said all this—after meaning it with all my heart, from the core of my being—something began happening in me, a multitude of things simultaneously: (1) I felt a rush of warmth like hot water pour down through my head and into my body; (2) I felt the door to a hidden 'room' in my head swing open and reveal a chamber I never knew existed; (3) I heard a 'voice' speak directly to me, saying:
If you, as a human being, a mere mortal, can conceive of unconditional salvation and are willing to take another's place in Hell without need of acceptance or thanks or acknowledgement, how much more might a God do? If you don't need acknowledgement and acceptance, why do you think God does? What kind of God would that be, what kind of Savior, that requires words of acknowledgement and acceptance when a mere human being does not? Is a human being more forgiving, more loving, more godlike and less petty than a God? Would a God ever find fault in His creation in the first place? Would a God ever put his creation at risk? It is His creation, after all. If anyone's at fault, it's the Creator, He who conceived, understood, and foreknew every act, then created anyway. The notion of the creature needing to be saved from the Wrath of God is an affront to God, it limits God, has made God out to be small and judgmental and mean-spirited and tyrannical. God is so much bigger than this, infinitely bigger! So, if you can conceive of unconditional salvation, how much more do you suppose God has already done? But you know, don't you? Now you know! In your willingness to surrender your soul for the sake of a friend, to give up Heaven without requiring anything in return, to return your Salvation as a pure act of love, now you know! Now you know God! Now you know yourself! Now you know the mystery of life and there is no turning back! |
The 'voice' (whatever it was) was absolutely correct. Now I knew. I knew!
I thought of several Bible passages in a whole new light:
- Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. (John 15:13)
- You shall love your neighbor as yourself. (Mark 12:31)
- A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; even as I have loved you,
that you also love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you
have love for one another. (John 13: 34-35) - Many are called, but few are chosen. (Matthew 22:14)
- Many that are first will be last, and the last first. (Matthew 19:30)
Because I was willing to lay down my eternal life for my friend, a secret door opened inside me and I was able to understand the nature of God and the meaning of love. This was the FIRST STEP of several more that would follow over the next thirty years, but it was the most important step. It pulled my head out of the stars and set me on the path back down to the 'real world'. It LIBERATED me for all the other steps that would follow, especially the next step, the SECOND STEP, without which there would have been no others. It also liberated me to take as many steps as I needed, to mis-step if need be, to go off on the wrong path, to trip and fall, get lost and fight my way back to the light. It gave me COURAGE without need of hope and PASSION without need of promise. It gave me back my LIFE by taking away my Salvation, and invested me with the MIRACULOUS by allowing me to accept death. I no longer needed eternal life, or heavenly reward, or Salvation of any kind. I had Today. Anything else was just a mind-game, wishful-thinking, play-acting. I had Today. Here and Now. Today! What else was there?
