At the Top of the Tower

At Northwest College I soon discovered that all the various classes were taught in accordance with the 16 Fundamental Truths of the Assemblies of God, a series of "non-negotiable" beliefs by which all Assemblies of God churchs must adhere. Chief among these is that the Bible is the Inspired and Inerrant Word of God (it contains no mistakes, errors, or contradictions) and that the Creation Account is factual and historical exactly as portrayed in the Book of Genesis.

In the beginning I had no qualms with these tenets of faith nor considered the teaching of classes to conform to these tenets to be anything other than the school's divine right. When I took Old Testament classes, they were taught to align with the 16 Fundamental Truths. When I took New Testament classes, they were taught to align with the 16 Fundamental Truths. When I took History or English or Science classes, they too were taught to align with the 16 Fundamental Truths. Having studied quite a bit religion, philosophy, and theology prior to coming to Northwest, I slowly came to realize there was a great deal of information we were not being taught—not even mentioned in passing—if it did not strictly conform to the 16 Fundamental Truths. Although narrow and biased to a particular worldview, this is not to imply that what I did learn at Northwest was without merit; it was a first rate education as long as what was being taught strictly conformed to the tenets of the 16 Fundamental Truths. I was introduced thoroughly to Christian doctrine and dogma, exegetical theology (biblical studies and canonics), systematical theology (christology, soteriology), ecclesiology, eschatology and apocalypticism, homiletics, biblical Hebrew and Koiné Greek.

This input of information prompted me to throw a volley of questions at my professors and instructors, most of which they were unable (sometimes even unwilling) to answer. Undaunted, I started to read everything I could get my hands on—to its credit, the school had an extensive library of religious and theological books, a great many of which had never been opened until I opened them—always with the governing principle that "getting to the truth" (whatever that might be) was of greater importance than my limited belief system, the tenets of my faith, or constrictive Assemblies of God church doctrine. If any of these turned out to be "true," wonderful—I could consider myself fortunate for having been born on a continent and in a country that happened to embrace the real "truth" as a matter of policy (in other words, I could just as easily have been born in an Islamic/Hindu/Buddhist country or into an Islamic/Hindu/Buddhist family embracing a different "truth"). If any of these did not turn out to be true, than I would have to put them aside and follow the "road to truth" wherever it might lead.

In the course of my studies, I discovered I was being taught a small and selective fraction of what is available in regards to the Bible, Christian history, doctrine, and religion in general, usually just enough to continue promoting the accepted status quo and evangelical "traditions" of Christianity. As I searched further and dug deeper, I realized there was a ' hidden' corpus of information that never made it to light of day, was never discussed or taught, never debated, and for all intents-and-purposes treated as if it didn't even exist.

I remember once asking a particularly intriguing question about the historical etymology of Yahweh Elohiym ("Lord God") and being told point blank by the professor that he would not discuss it during class because the other students didn't need to know. After class he informed me that "sometimes tradition is more valuable than truth" and "it's tradition that gives us hope, not cold facts which often lead to confusion, discouragement, and doubt." He was dead serious when he made this pronouncement.

I knew then that there were two sides to what we were being carefully hand-fed: there was the "traditional" side that was being heaped on us in such measured abundance we hardly had time to question, and there was the "true" side which (a) either wasn't discussed for fear of disturbing the apple cart, or (b) wasn't discussed because it had never been taught to those doing the discussing. I realized I had a choice to make. I could follow the "tradition," become a minister of the faith, and continue teaching the tradition as it was taught to me, or I could follow the "truth," venture into unknown territory, perhaps lose everything I ever loved and hoped from the tradition itself. I opted to follow the truth, and over the course of thirty years it has prompted me to purchase thousands of books, read ten-thousand articles, journey down a thousand sometimes troubling and difficult avenues of inquiry. In all this I've learned that while believing is easy—all it involves is a declaration of belief—the pursuit of truth takes a lot of long, hard, often lonely, work.

Always a voracious reader—sometimes reading three or four books a week—I immersed myself in the study of religion and took full advantage of the extensive (and expensive) scholarly volumes in the school library. These included:

I had become fully committed to learning all I could about Christianity and the Bible, including early church history and the development of the canon. I no longer considered myself a typical 'Sunday-morning' Christian but a dedicated Bible scholar motivated by hard work, study, historical research, and practical reasoning. I was no longer content to simply believe something because I was told this is 'how we believe'—I wanted to examine and analyze all the available facts and let the chips fall where they may. To walk in the service of 'truth' demanded nothing less. Still, it was during this time that I was really 'on fire for the Lord'. I witnessed to anyone who would listen and brought several friends to Christ. I was smug, cocksure, and motivated. I had the love and power of Jesus in my heart and I wanted everyone to feel the same thing I was feeling. When most didn't recognize Jesus the same way I did it made me sad, perhaps even a little bit angry. How could these people deny the potent Grace of God? How could they deliberately reject our Savior?

Halfway through my first year at Northwest College (as I have said earlier) my roommate and I moved from our apartment in Lynnwood to a larger apartment in Edmonds. It was a corner apartment on the top floor and much more quiet, and because BV and I worked opposite shifts we rarely saw one another. This allowed me to study with very little interruption and to read several books a week. That is until I ran into S again, my lady friend from high school.

After inviting me up to her apartment for a mug of herbal tea, I experienced the same phenomena with her that I'd experienced previously where her face seemed to shift and metamorphosize until I all could see were the countenances of all women (and, no, I was not using drugs at this time since they were strictly forbidden). Almost by instinct I 'knew' S and I were 'destined' to be together, so I casually informed her of my status as a virgin and my views on religion, relationships, and, of course, sex. She bought into all of it, and within a few days we had begun dating.

Around this same time I started again having (what I interpreted as) 'mystical experiences'—religious visions, dreams, and revelatory epiphanies—through which (I believed) God was trying to 'reveal' something to me, some metaphysical piece of the pie that would explain creation and our (makind's) reason for being here. I started keeping long rambling notebooks detailing all the information I was 'receiving' complete with charts and graphs and lines of demarcation separating the World of Light from the World of Darkness. I did not know at the time that these 'visions' were distinctly Gnostic in flavor nor could be easily explained by several down-to-earth natural processes:

• Subconscious reworking or rehashing of previously read/heard/seen information. This is akin to going to bed with an unsolved problem, dreaming about it over night, then waking up with a working solution in the morning. I had been doing a lot of reading, some of which had to do with Gnosticism and Catharism (Albigensianism) and Fallen Angels, so a subconscious synthesis of various texts is understandable.
• Biochemical imbalance. Later in my life I was to discover that I had issues with serotonin production. While I am currently taking a synergistic combination of amino acids and vitamins (in Neu-BeCALM'd) as a supplement to my serotonin issues, I have taken SSRI in the past. Just as a variety of psychedelic, dissociative and deliriant drugs can evoke feelings of spiritual significance (see entheogens), so can a brain chemistry that is out-of-balance when combined with other emotional, physical, and social triggers.
• Neurotheology (biotheology) . Neurotheology is the study of the neural basis of spirituality and deals with the neurological experiences traditionally categorized as spiritual. Just as a variety of hallucinogenic drugs can evoke feelings of spiritual significance, so too can the inner workings of the brain itself (in the limbic and temporal lobes). Compound this with the after-affects of a severe head injury and anything is possible.
• Sexual frustration. Keeping one's self 'chaste and pure' in defiance of one's own sexual nature and raging sexual biochemistry (dopamine, serotonin, alpha melanocyte polypeptides, nitric oxide, oxytocin, pheromones, epinephrine, vasoactive intestinal polypeptides, testosterone) creates an emotional powerkeg that needs to find release in some form. See the Sex Drive Flash animation.
• Wishful thinking, drama, play acting. It is incredibly easy to get caught up in religious drama, especially when you cast yourself as the star of the show. While unintentional in most cases, religious drama is augmented by emotional or psychological problems, low self-esteem, sexual frustration, religious social guilt, biochemical imbalance, and other triggers.

Looking back, I'm convinced my religious 'visions' were caused by a combination of all of these things, not to mentional the psychological and emotional baggage from my childhood. I was a mere two steps away from a complete religious meltdown and didn't even know it.

Still, I was at the top of my game. I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life, where I was going, and how to get there. I had the love of Christ in my heart and had no doubt I would have my own church one day, a minister of a congregation, a shepherd to a flock.

I was atop the tower of my faith, head in the heavens, dizzily swimming in the Glory of God.

But the universe had different plans for me, and only because I so dearly loved my deceased friend M.

I had no way of knowing what awaited me, or that the way back down to the 'Real World' should prove so precipitous and difficult and such a long descent. More than a few times I would lose my way, get lost, lose my footing, stumble and fall, only to find myself turned around and back on the path, the view of the world becoming sharper and brighter and larger with each forward step. Along the way I would learn more about myself than I ever thought possible, of what I was capable, of the depths into which I could stoop. I would come to hate myself and then learn to love myself again and again. In short, I finally learned to be a man, to put away my childish things, to make up my own mind and take responsibility for my own actions. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. And it only took me thirty years.