An Explanation for the Wayward Story that Unfolds

Like all people, I was born at a specific place and at a specific time, an "accident of fate" that predisposed me to accept at face value all manner of familial (ancestoral, patrimonial, matriarchal) and sociocultural (political, religious, economic) beliefs, prejudices, biases, partisanships, and other cognitive content. Through no fault of my own, I was preconditioned and enculturated to view the word—and my place in it—a narrow and specific way. I was told things, I was taught things, I was shown things, and being young I accepted these things unchallenged and undisputed. Why? Because all the information inundating me was coming from my elders, my parents, my teachers, my church leaders, all people bigger than me and smarter than me and to whom I looked for food, shelter, comfort, and support. I took them at their word even if their word advocated what was otherwise magical and supernatural, flying reindeer and talking snakes, winged angels and horned demons, the dead miraculously returned to life, an otherworldly existence that awaited me after I die. Throughout my childhood I had no reason to doubt such fantastic tales, claims of preternatural people and places that no one could possibly know.

It's not enough that I espouse a belief system that defines both myself and my outlook on life and the world. I must also recognize that my belief system evolved over time, that it altered, grew, and changed, sometimes diametrically so. My system of belief has always been—often to the dismay of my conservative kith and kin—a fluid and dynamic thing. I tolerated this dynamism with the intention of seeking truth and uncovering knowledge wherever I might find it, even if what I found cast serious doubt and asperity on my current state of beliefs. Instead of placing my beliefs ahead of truth and knowledge (whatever 'truth' may be, whatever 'knowledge' might unveil) I have always been willing to append or alter my belief system as warranted by the facts, but only after much deliberation and often painful soul-searching. For the sake of truth and knowledge, I have always viewed my beliefs as suspect. A nagging suspicion regarding the underlying motives of my beliefs has kept me honest, if only to myself. Being human, I am well aware that I am susceptible to intentions both selfish and hopeful.

Therein lies the dilemma of seeking truth and knowledge. It is almost always easier to simply believe in something, in anything, no matter how fanciful or irrational than to do the hard and often lonely work that is required of truth seeking. Seeking truth and knowledge takes time and energy. It requires a commitment to research, study, and years of advanced education most people are unwilling to make. It demands dedication, and may require learning a foreign language, taking classes in the sciences, critical thinking, practical reasoning, even philosophy or comparative religion. It may mean reading an additional 1,000 books over and above those already in your reading queue, learning proprietary jargon, tracking research leads down innumerable branches, roundabouts, and dead ends.

Nietzsche said: if you wish to strive for peace of soul and pleasure, then believe; if you wish to be a devotee of truth, then inquire.

Herein lies the rub. Beliefs oftentime give the appearance of pleasure and peace, because beliefs are almost always personal and subjective and don't push back. People typically believe in those things that make them happy, alleviate their fears, give them hope, and promise to fulfill their wishes and dreams. Life-after-death, living in eternal Paradise with your loved ones, seventy-two virgins, inheriting a vibrant young 'spiritual' body, all knowledge revealed, seeing wicked people get theirs'—these are just some of the things that motivate people to believe. It's understandable. The promises are tempting, the endings neat and tidy. Seeking truth and knowledge, on the other hand, typically produces the opposite effect by eventually uncovering the self-deception and denial underlying most untested belief systems. This can be devastating. It is not a pleasant thing to witness the whole house of cards come tumbling down or watch peace-of-mind slip further out over the horizon. No wonder most people are so adament about clinging to their beliefs, sometimes even willing to die for them. Who wants to admit denial, deception, and defeat? Who wants to pick themselves up, slap off the dust, and start over from scratch? Who wants to live in doubt, uncertainty, and the knowledge of impending demise? No, believing in the supernatural is much more pleasant. Its often easier to believe in the magic of the Tooth Fairy than it is to simply extract the tooth.

What follows is an 'honest' inquiry into the evolution of my beliefs and belief system as they were influenced, indoctrinated, enculturated, appended, altered, modified, and qualified over time and space. Oftentimes the discoveries I made along the way were painful and disconcerting, my choices hard, the outcome unpredictable. Other times I found myself basking in the warmth and glow of an understanding I could never have anticipated. In either case, the search for truth and knowledge was always my driving force, and while I sometimes found myself sidetracked in cul-de-sacs of falsity or complacency, the need for truth and knowledge eventually took precedence above all else, including my personal comfort, my religion, my beliefs, my desire how I 'wanted' the universe to be, even my peace of mind.*

On this journey honesty is the key. The questions that must be asked again and again are actually quite simple, but very important:

• Am I being completely honest with myself in matters of my beliefs?
• If not, what am I pretending not to know?

The ways in which these questions are answered are doubly important. I hope as you join me on my journey of inquiry you too might find the courage and strength of character to examine your own beliefs and belief system by asking—and answering—these same two questions, and that you do so as many times as it takes, for as long as it takes, even if the asking makes you feel fearful or uncomfortable. I've been repeating these same questions time and again for over thirty years. Who knows, in doing the same you might discover something incredible along the way. You might just discover yourself.

* While every effort has been made to be as 'truthful' as possible in the recollection and retelling of these events—I have consulted documents, letters, reports, etc, whenever available—most of what follows relies strictly on human memory, my memory, and so susceptible to fortuitous error and forgetfulness. For the sake of brevity in the telling, I have occasionally compressed the events of two years into one or removed a passive period of time that buffered two active events. Although such compression and artistic license is intentional, it doesn't bear on the overall evolution and devolution of my belief system as discussed.